Over a year ago, I had a Skype consultation with Patricia. She had a history of abuse and wanted help with depression. She said,
“Depression has plagued me for years but I ignored it, I had no idea what it was”.
Patricia had been bullied at school and said she felt angry at the whole world,
“I wanted to hit people, smash things up, destroy everything, I wanted to act out what I felt.”
But she didn’t, she said she had been socially inept and though she wanted to fight tooth and nail for what she believed was right, she shrunk from confrontation.
She described herself as a free thinker who didn’t follow the crowd.
“I was abused for 3 years after my mother remarried,” she told me, “I hate that sort of control, it makes me feel powerless. Then I married and my husband manipulated and controlled me – I was furious with the way he treated me but I was too scared to leave for ages. I hid it all from everyone. I didn’t want them to think I was weak – I know deep down I’m not weak.”
Her depression had got so bad she fantasised about suicide, about how easy it would be to drive into a wall or jump off a bridge, and at that point she talked to a doctor who put her on medication.
“I’m just not normal” she told me sadly. “It’s difficult for me to look people in the eyes now, I’m socially impaired, I’m the quiet one who sits back and listens, I feel stupid, like I’ll embarrass myself”.
Patricia told me about her miscarriage and divorce and felt she was barely surviving now. Thoughts of suicide plagued her as she went through the motions of life, feeling no joy and not having any interaction with friends or family. She described her dreams of things disintegrating or exploding and the power she had in them to put them back together.
I was beginning to understand that Patricia had internalised all her anger. She appeared soft and compliant, but inside was rage – “black rage” she called it! To help her explain herself less personally I asked her to explain what a cell inside her body felt like. She said,
“You wouldn’t even be able to see with a microscope, it would be there but nothing would allow you to see it. If you did have a glimpse of it, it would be black, it would want to disappear”.
Patricia really feels that insignificant, and yet knows deep down that she’s not a weak person. What a conflict!
I gave Patricia a radioactive remedy called Plutonium-nitricum, which is not a remedy I’ve prescribed much. We spoke again about two months later.
“The depression has left me which is absolutely wonderful. For about ten days I’ve taken no medication at all – even with that there was no depression, Just grief for what I’ve lost, I feel part of my life has been lost”.
Patricia felt that the feelings she had now were far more normal – at last she could properly grieve her miscarriage and the end of her marriage and feel sadness about her lost childhood rather than the ‘black rage’ she mentioned before. Patricia had over the past two months also reached out to friends and family who were now part of her life once more – that’s what I call improvement!
If you have suffered with depression give me a call on 01626 201107.