Martha, age 48 came to see me suffering with heavy and irregular periods and depression. She explained how she felt:
“I’ve had depression for a long time, but that’s because I had a breakdown a few years ago, I slit my wrists, and overdosed and I was admitted to hospital. Since then everything’s been up and down. I’ve always been that way, I had post natal depression I always get PMT, life is difficult”.
“Everything seems to be out of my hands. I’ve got no control over anything anymore. I’m just existing. It’s difficult to deal with the things I’ve done in the past, I feel totally inadequate, my family don’t really get me, I feel I’m not really accepted for myself. One minute I think I’m coping fine and then I start a period and I’m dreadful.”
“When I had the breakdown I hated myself so intensely, I felt completely worthless, I’d let my children down, I had no life, nobody wanted me. I just wanted out, it’s all been a bit rubbish since then, and then I couldn’t live without the drugs they gave me, and now I’m a mess”.
Martha felt very low, there were lots of tears and she talked a lot about how worthless she felt and how nobody loved her. I asked her the complete opposite of all these negative feelings she had, her answer was revealing:
“I’d like to feel content, secure, happy, free of guilt, free of feeling inadequate, I’d like to feel capable, strong, gentle, I don’t want to feel wound up all the time. Peaceful, accepted, special – I’d really like to feel that I was special to somebody in a way nobody else is. I sort of know my family loves me really, but I don’t feel it and I don’t feel understood”.
We talked about Martha’s fears and she told me that her main fear had always been rejection and she’d felt rejected ever since her childhood. I asked more about that and she said,
“Rejection means you’re not important to anyone anymore, you’re at the bottom of the list, out of their lives, you don’t matter, you’re just someone to be disposed of, and you’re not worth it”.
Because of this feeling Martha felt that she’d made some unwise decisions with relationships and been hurt often. She said she’d been in many relationships for the wrong reasons, because she needed to feel loved. I asked her what an ideal relationship would be like for her:
“Mutually respectful, where you love each other equally, giving and taking, and understanding each others needs and feelings. There would be good communication and a lot of affection”.
Because of these feelings and a few other keynotes such as her heavy bleeding during her periods and regular fatigue which improved after short naps I prescribed a remedy called Phosphorous.
Two months later Martha came back:
“That remedy was fabulous. I felt more together, happier, bouncy, like it had taken a cloud off me, the best thing was I felt very loving and happy, calmer, peaceful – I was much nicer to live with. Then last week we had a terrible argument and it seemed to knock me back”.
So, Martha had experienced a couple of great months but then had a huge argument with her husband which had set her right back – and her language was now completely different. Instead of her previous feelings of such low self worth and feeling unloved, during the consultation she used these phrases:
• I have an overriding resentment, a heart of stone
• I feel under this weight and this cloud
• I’m trapped in this marriage, my life is under his control
• I’ve developed this hardness
• I’m caught between a rock and a hard place
• It all feels too heavy. I feel a weight on me like I’m being used, carrying everything, everybody….. it feels so oppressive.
Martha is in a completely different state. I checked her last case and none of that language was there. I knew she needed a different remedy. Physically I knew she had improved, her last period had been almost pain free and much lighter, her sleep was better and the fatigue was gone. Her low self worth seemed to have disappeared but replaced now by a huge resentment to people around her, all holding her back.
I decided that Martha needed Falcon, a patient in a Falcon state perceives relationships, and responsibilities as strings that tie them down. Their space is intruded, and they can feel that they are no longer in control of their life. I prescribed Falcon 1M and she stayed on that remedy for the following year, repeating it on occasion, and using Phosphorous on occasion too, improving all the while.
The last time she visited she’d just had her 50th birthday, she was doing well with a couple of minor problems – one of the things she said really touched me:
“My birthday was a pivotal turning point. My kids made it so special for me. I couldn’t have felt more cherished. It made me realise that people do love me after all – all the effort they went to. Maybe I’m 10 years too late, but for me, life is going to begin at 50!”
Are you struggling with depression or feelings of low self worth? Get in touch with me for help by email, phone or facebook messenger.